Right now as I’m typing this, I’m sitting on my bed in my room. My phone is buzzing with texts from people who love me, trying to get me to do something that I need to do but won’t.
And… Okay, I confess. It’s annoying. (I love y’all…)
I’ve got this irritating trait about me, called stubbornness. It’s one of my strongest traits. I’m pretty hard-headed and, well okay I guess I’ll say it, rebellious. So stubbornness just fits right in there.
At the moment, I’ve been putting off something I should be doing for about five days now. And it’s kind of really important, like essential to survival kind of important. But stubborn ole me is rebelling against what I know I should do, and is refusing to admit the truth. Because, I kind of do that a lot actually.
(Don’t be like me, okay? Learn from my mistakes, don’t repeat them.)
I need to take a minute to be real with y’all. This is an insanely hard time of my life right now. I mean it, I’m on the brink of something that could change my life forever. Which isn’t altogether a comforting thought, if I’m honest with you. God’s working some things in my life that don’t seem to have any purpose or direction or reason… I feel like Wylie Coyote when he’s run off the edge of the cliff, and is hanging in mid air while he realizes what’s about to happen. Or a boat that’s on a river, and has reached the waterfall and is about to make the plunge over.
It’s not very fun.
(And my Capital Kings won’t load. Siiiigh.)
And I’m looking down… The water is churning below me and I don’t know if I’m going to drown. The bottom of the canyon is hard and dry, and I don’t know if I’m going to break. It’s scary, not knowing what to do or where to go.
It’s late at night here… I’ve been operating on about four hours of sleep every night for the past week. Because of reasons we won’t mention. None of which have been altogether fun. I’m drained mentally, physically, and emotionally. Life has been very hard right now.
But here’s the coolest part: I’m not fighting alone.
You see, I’ve learned something this past week that has never hit me so hard before. I don’t have a lot of friends. I’m not a very popular person. I’ve got some aspects of my life that would be repelling to most.
But the beautiful thing is, I have friends who love me as Christ loves me.
I’ve got friends who will encourage me to do the right thing even when they know it’s painful and I know it’s painful. I’ve got friends who will push me to fight the demons in my mind. I’ve got friends who love me in spite of my darkest sins. I’ve got friends who will fight the dragon for me. I’ve got friends who will stay up until 2:00 in the morning because I need help. It’s incredible.
I have people showing me grace, love, acceptance, patience, and holding me in my darkest hour. It’s incredible.
But this is ultimately so amazing because it is a reflection of what my Father does for me.
I heard it through the tears in the voice of my friend. In this world, you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.
It’s true. Our Father has overcome the world.
He has overcome the tears from the hurt that have dried on my phone screen. (Probably a bad idea… Should clean that off, huh?)
He has overcome the darkness that presses me at night.
He has overcome the dragon that whispers in my ear when I look at my reflection.
He has overcome the pain from yesterday, the defeat of tomorrow, and the silence of the moment. He is more than the bitter pang in your heart, the nudge of guilt, the moments of regret from the past.
It’s hard. He never promised that life would be hard. He never promised that you wouldn’t spend nights in tears, curled up and wishing that it would all go away. He didn’t say that we wouldn’t experience pain, rejection, loneliness, disappointment, or fear.
But. He did say that He has overcome it.
And this is the God we serve. This is our Savior, our Lord and King, our Heavenly Father. He is our light and our comforter. Even when there is no hope to be seen.
I am cleaving to the rock of my salvation. On Christ I will depend. My hope is Jesus.