Not Darkness, Darling

I am whole.

Almost.

The sun bathes my neighborhood in orange-tinted light as it says its final goodbyes, dipping behind the distant mountain until tomorrow comes. I sit on my bed, AP pouring hopeful words into my ears, worn out from enjoying the cold air outside.

I think that I’m ready for a small break.

But, darling… This is life. Why would you want it any other way?

Hmm. Good point.

I can see it clearly in my head – one of the many beautiful memories I have of that moment in time. The rain had passed, the sun had returned in the evening, and the air was thick with a beautiful smell. The sun turned the wet grass and trees to gold, shining in glorious brilliance and threatening to take my breath from me.

It was beautiful.

The storm was nasty. Dark, harsh winds ripping branches from trees, tossing leaves wildly around the porch in a whirlwind as they circled helplessly.

But the sun-lit ground was beautiful.

Traces of the storm were evident, but it had a refined look. It had withstood a nasty storm. The world still stood.

I sit here, and now the sun is shining on the outside, but the storm is raging on the inside. Helplessness tosses around wildly inside, dark, harsh winds rip me apart. I’m drenched by a flood of rain that drowns me even though I’ve screamed for the lifeguard to help me.

I am alone.

My eyes are heavy, but I cannot sleep. My mind whirls and spins, unsure of how to stop or what to think. Too many thoughts to be organized into something that people can understand.

Oh God, give me peace.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. My knees hit the floor, my hands hide my face as the mascara streaks across my face with the tears.

God, I need you. Please answer me.

The rain pours, the thunder crashes; lightning illuminates my heart. I scream silent cries, my tears dry and my heart is parched and cracked. My head hangs, unsure that I can keep going anymore.

Hello?

God, you are my God, and I will forever praise You.

For even though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.

(NONE?!) (No, darling. None.)

*breathe*

I am whole.

Almost.

For He is with me, walking close beside me. In the shadow of death.

No, darling – you are not alone.

The sun is out now; the houses are shining white, glaring at me and making me duck my head. No dark clouds, no gray air filling my lungs. It’s pure, it’s clean.

Darkness? No. A chance for my Savior to hold my hand even tighter.

Advertisements

When I Reflect

I have a story. And it’s not a very short one, but it’s too long to explain in one human-sized post. 

*don’t ask*

I have a story of redemption. Of being bought with a price. Having a purpose beyond surviving and pursuing the American dream. Growing more in love with a Savior who spilled blood and tears and sweat and misery over when I spat in His face over and over again. When He smiled and lifted my brokenness and mended me together with a love I can’t describe. 

It’s beautiful. 

The road is long, the journey treacherous- even life threatening. Is it worth it?

I stop and stare at the black night sky. Is following Jesus worth pain? Is it worth rejection? Is it worth losing my life for? Only the testimonies of those who died before me can rejoice and sing His praise, proclaiming victory. They would die all over again to preach His love just a day more, I am sure.

I look at my heart. Am I as confident? Does my life reflect this desire? My feet stand on a ground that can only be tested by an earthquake. I pray, my God, that I will stand strong.