How Many Goodbyes

They asked us when we would leave.

But they said it with hope and relief. 

They never told us goodbye. They just… watched us leave.

I remember those moments very clearly. I remember climbing into the van wondering why nobody would even look at us.

Kingwood didn’t give us any new relief, either. I had a moment of acceptance.

It just left as soon as it came. Meaning that she turned her back just as quickly as she smiled and said hello.

I came here thinking that I would start over 100%. And, in a way, I did.

Everything changed. Only, nothing changed.

I sat at a park with some friends a couple days ago, drinking our lemonade and coffee and root beer. We talked about things only fellow believers could understand.

It was great.

But it never lasts. What used to be never is anymore. What still is differs from what it used to be.

It’s the same game today as it always is.

What is it about me? Us? I don’t understand.

Sometimes, there is no solution. Sometimes, all there is is trust.

What even is trust?

trust
trəst/
noun
  1. 1.
    firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

 

Lord, help my unbelief.

I have doubts. And insecurities. God doesn’t take them away, but He gives us ways to fight them.

It doesn’t matter how many goodbyes they say or don’t say.

It doesn’t matter how many places I go and the looks are still the same.

Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. His consistency surpasses the world’s inconsistencies.

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Update

Hello.

It’s been… insanely long. And I’m aware of that.

I never forgot about my faithful followers who wondered what the heck had happened to me. Thanks for being patient.

A lot of things have happened spiritually during my time away.

I want to be able to get to all of it. I’m a senior this year, preparing for college, working 29 hours a week, and have kind of a big role in a musical.

And my computer is in the shop right now, I’m typing on my school laptop.

So I can’t promise that this blogging is going to turn into a routine again. I sooo hope that it will though. I just wanted to sit down and type something for my blog.

Do you have anything you’d like for me to blog about? I’d love to get back into it answering any questions y’all would have.

Thanks for reading.

Hi…

I feel like I owe y’all an explanation. I wish I could give you one. But… I can’t. Sorry.

In the meantime, I have to officially say that I have to give up blogging for a little bit. But I hope to get back into it by the end of 2017! Thank you all so SO much for your faithful reading and feedback. It means the world. 🙂

Greetings Blessings

Hello! I know, it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me. Yes, I am alive. Yes, I am still growing in my walk with Christ. I’ve been learning recently that God really does work through the deepest, darkest trials to form the deepest, strongest walk with Him.

I haven’t taken a look at my blessings in a while, so what better way to make a conscious effort to get back into the blogosphere than with counting and sharing some blessings!

  • A prolonged summer (*cross your fingers that this means less winter now…*)
  • Long walks in the cemetery
  • Growing
  • Special packages from friends (THANK YOU SISSYYYYYY)
  • Someone who will listen to things that don’t make sense
  • Moments of silence
  • A child’s giddy laughter
  • The feeling of fingers on a computer keyboard
  • Listening to a friend cry
  • Forgiveness and grace
  • Unconditional love
  • The fact that we can contemplate random things about the Bible
  • Random moments of the giggles epidemic
  • Cuddly kitties
  • Perfect music that says all the things that you wish you could say but can’t
  • Contentment and satisfaction

What are some ways that He’s blessed you?

Not Darkness, Darling

I am whole.

Almost.

The sun bathes my neighborhood in orange-tinted light as it says its final goodbyes, dipping behind the distant mountain until tomorrow comes. I sit on my bed, AP pouring hopeful words into my ears, worn out from enjoying the cold air outside.

I think that I’m ready for a small break.

But, darling… This is life. Why would you want it any other way?

Hmm. Good point.

I can see it clearly in my head – one of the many beautiful memories I have of that moment in time. The rain had passed, the sun had returned in the evening, and the air was thick with a beautiful smell. The sun turned the wet grass and trees to gold, shining in glorious brilliance and threatening to take my breath from me.

It was beautiful.

The storm was nasty. Dark, harsh winds ripping branches from trees, tossing leaves wildly around the porch in a whirlwind as they circled helplessly.

But the sun-lit ground was beautiful.

Traces of the storm were evident, but it had a refined look. It had withstood a nasty storm. The world still stood.

I sit here, and now the sun is shining on the outside, but the storm is raging on the inside. Helplessness tosses around wildly inside, dark, harsh winds rip me apart. I’m drenched by a flood of rain that drowns me even though I’ve screamed for the lifeguard to help me.

I am alone.

My eyes are heavy, but I cannot sleep. My mind whirls and spins, unsure of how to stop or what to think. Too many thoughts to be organized into something that people can understand.

Oh God, give me peace.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. My knees hit the floor, my hands hide my face as the mascara streaks across my face with the tears.

God, I need you. Please answer me.

The rain pours, the thunder crashes; lightning illuminates my heart. I scream silent cries, my tears dry and my heart is parched and cracked. My head hangs, unsure that I can keep going anymore.

Hello?

God, you are my God, and I will forever praise You.

For even though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.

(NONE?!) (No, darling. None.)

*breathe*

I am whole.

Almost.

For He is with me, walking close beside me. In the shadow of death.

No, darling – you are not alone.

The sun is out now; the houses are shining white, glaring at me and making me duck my head. No dark clouds, no gray air filling my lungs. It’s pure, it’s clean.

Darkness? No. A chance for my Savior to hold my hand even tighter.

When I Reflect

I have a story. And it’s not a very short one, but it’s too long to explain in one human-sized post. 

*don’t ask*

I have a story of redemption. Of being bought with a price. Having a purpose beyond surviving and pursuing the American dream. Growing more in love with a Savior who spilled blood and tears and sweat and misery over when I spat in His face over and over again. When He smiled and lifted my brokenness and mended me together with a love I can’t describe. 

It’s beautiful. 

The road is long, the journey treacherous- even life threatening. Is it worth it?

I stop and stare at the black night sky. Is following Jesus worth pain? Is it worth rejection? Is it worth losing my life for? Only the testimonies of those who died before me can rejoice and sing His praise, proclaiming victory. They would die all over again to preach His love just a day more, I am sure.

I look at my heart. Am I as confident? Does my life reflect this desire? My feet stand on a ground that can only be tested by an earthquake. I pray, my God, that I will stand strong.