What I Know

Been listening to this song on repeat late at night recently.

 

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=WGWGYLNX

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Hi…

I feel like I owe y’all an explanation. I wish I could give you one. But… I can’t. Sorry.

In the meantime, I have to officially say that I have to give up blogging for a little bit. But I hope to get back into it by the end of 2017! Thank you all so SO much for your faithful reading and feedback. It means the world. 🙂

Greetings Blessings

Hello! I know, it’s been a while since you’ve heard from me. Yes, I am alive. Yes, I am still growing in my walk with Christ. I’ve been learning recently that God really does work through the deepest, darkest trials to form the deepest, strongest walk with Him.

I haven’t taken a look at my blessings in a while, so what better way to make a conscious effort to get back into the blogosphere than with counting and sharing some blessings!

  • A prolonged summer (*cross your fingers that this means less winter now…*)
  • Long walks in the cemetery
  • Growing
  • Special packages from friends (THANK YOU SISSYYYYYY)
  • Someone who will listen to things that don’t make sense
  • Moments of silence
  • A child’s giddy laughter
  • The feeling of fingers on a computer keyboard
  • Listening to a friend cry
  • Forgiveness and grace
  • Unconditional love
  • The fact that we can contemplate random things about the Bible
  • Random moments of the giggles epidemic
  • Cuddly kitties
  • Perfect music that says all the things that you wish you could say but can’t
  • Contentment and satisfaction

What are some ways that He’s blessed you?

Not Darkness, Darling

I am whole.

Almost.

The sun bathes my neighborhood in orange-tinted light as it says its final goodbyes, dipping behind the distant mountain until tomorrow comes. I sit on my bed, AP pouring hopeful words into my ears, worn out from enjoying the cold air outside.

I think that I’m ready for a small break.

But, darling… This is life. Why would you want it any other way?

Hmm. Good point.

I can see it clearly in my head – one of the many beautiful memories I have of that moment in time. The rain had passed, the sun had returned in the evening, and the air was thick with a beautiful smell. The sun turned the wet grass and trees to gold, shining in glorious brilliance and threatening to take my breath from me.

It was beautiful.

The storm was nasty. Dark, harsh winds ripping branches from trees, tossing leaves wildly around the porch in a whirlwind as they circled helplessly.

But the sun-lit ground was beautiful.

Traces of the storm were evident, but it had a refined look. It had withstood a nasty storm. The world still stood.

I sit here, and now the sun is shining on the outside, but the storm is raging on the inside. Helplessness tosses around wildly inside, dark, harsh winds rip me apart. I’m drenched by a flood of rain that drowns me even though I’ve screamed for the lifeguard to help me.

I am alone.

My eyes are heavy, but I cannot sleep. My mind whirls and spins, unsure of how to stop or what to think. Too many thoughts to be organized into something that people can understand.

Oh God, give me peace.

I don’t want to be alone anymore. My knees hit the floor, my hands hide my face as the mascara streaks across my face with the tears.

God, I need you. Please answer me.

The rain pours, the thunder crashes; lightning illuminates my heart. I scream silent cries, my tears dry and my heart is parched and cracked. My head hangs, unsure that I can keep going anymore.

Hello?

God, you are my God, and I will forever praise You.

For even though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.

(NONE?!) (No, darling. None.)

*breathe*

I am whole.

Almost.

For He is with me, walking close beside me. In the shadow of death.

No, darling – you are not alone.

The sun is out now; the houses are shining white, glaring at me and making me duck my head. No dark clouds, no gray air filling my lungs. It’s pure, it’s clean.

Darkness? No. A chance for my Savior to hold my hand even tighter.

When I Reflect

I have a story. And it’s not a very short one, but it’s too long to explain in one human-sized post. 

*don’t ask*

I have a story of redemption. Of being bought with a price. Having a purpose beyond surviving and pursuing the American dream. Growing more in love with a Savior who spilled blood and tears and sweat and misery over when I spat in His face over and over again. When He smiled and lifted my brokenness and mended me together with a love I can’t describe. 

It’s beautiful. 

The road is long, the journey treacherous- even life threatening. Is it worth it?

I stop and stare at the black night sky. Is following Jesus worth pain? Is it worth rejection? Is it worth losing my life for? Only the testimonies of those who died before me can rejoice and sing His praise, proclaiming victory. They would die all over again to preach His love just a day more, I am sure.

I look at my heart. Am I as confident? Does my life reflect this desire? My feet stand on a ground that can only be tested by an earthquake. I pray, my God, that I will stand strong.

My Battle with the Dragon

*sits down with ice cream* Let’s get down to business here.

So basically, these past two weeks have been.…………. Horrible. Truly awful. I’ve been sick, I’ve been stressed like crazy, my life sort of went berserk and hasn’t quite settled back into a routine, and I’ve been carrying a lot of people through hard stuff.

Pretty much, I’m ready for a break. (Which isn’t gonna happen. I already asked God for one and He said “No”.)

You see, I’ve spent a lot of time these past two weeks fighting. Fighting myself. Fighting lies. Even *gasp* fighting God. Fighting the people I love most. Fighting my worst enemy: the dragon that is threatening to destroy me. And he’s doing a really good job of it at the moment.

I’ve been turning something over in my mind though. (And I just realized I have this weird habit of leaning my head to the right all the way until it touches my shoulder when I type… Interesting. ANYWAY.) Have you ever tried to kill a dragon? It’s hard. And I didn’t realize how stinking hard it was until this past week. I’ve got people to help me, but my word, God didn’t create dragons to just be stabbed in the heart and the knight carries the princess off into the sunset. YIKES.

There’s a strategy, a formula, a system. To attack the dragon, you have to learn its weak points, its strengths, what feeds it and what weakens it, how to fight it and what only makes it worse. Because dragons aren’t as easily destroyed as other creatures, in case you didn’t know. (Listen to the dragon expert here.) (And yes, I use parentheses and asterisk marks too much, do you mind??) You have to learn the dragon to successfully defeat him.

Which takes time. And effort. And pain. And it’s a long, hard, very long, very hard procedure and battle. The King will forever look after His children, but there will be pain involved. The princess will be scratched by the dragon’s cutting claws. The knight will be singed by the dragon’s bitter fire. The King will pick them up, dust them off, and return them to the fight. The knight will hold the princess while she cries and the princess will nurse the knight’s wounds. And then they all get back up to fight the dragon.

Because the dragon doesn’t go away. The dragon doesn’t stop just because you’ve given it all you’ve got. The dragon is persistent, never failing, always persisting, never ceasing to try to destroy you with every breath. And it’s hard. It’s very, very hard.

BUT. The King keeps giving strength. I’ve seen it happen to me, His princess, who bears the marks of the dragon’s hate. I’ve seen it happen to the knight, those who have helped me fight this beast. I’ve seen us all fall, and get back up again, a little bruised and maybe broken, but we keep fighting.

And it’s not been easy. Every step of the way has been painful. But we keep going. We keep trying. We keep fighting. Because it’s not by our own strength, but by the strength, grace, and power of the King that we can even fight to begin with. If He gives us the strength to begin the fight, He will give us the strength to finish it. And He is victorious; He will defeat the dragon.